The Heart Of It | Perfectionism

8.09.2019


erfectionism is a funny thing. Desperately do we seek such an unobtainable personality trait, and then fall apart wondering if it is because we aren't doing enough. A performer through and through am I, but many times do I find myself trapped in a perfectionist mindset. Why? Because I do not want others to see me as weak. I would rather drop due to exhaustion rather than defeat, so I keep going to produce. Productivity can come in many forms, just as long as they are perfect enough to meet a standard. We all have that one area in our life that must appear perfect (or for some, all areas). Personally, I see this shine through with my longing to obtain perfect grades, beautifully captured photographs, an organized calendar, and goals to tackle. I believed (and sometimes still do) that these things would make me feel strong. They would bring me power. I would appear capable.

Isn't that the definition of perfectionism?...the ability to appear put together in order for others to believe that we are more capable than originally perceived. That, however, is my take on this concept. Well, I am tired of proving myself. I shouldn't have to achieve anything on a scale of perfection in order for it to count.

To kick off my summer in May after I graduated, I spent a few days away at The Mission Inn Hotel with my mom to finally feel free of deadlines and anxiety. For the first time since I began blogging back in 2012, I left my DSLR camera at home. I didn't want to be bothered with finding the perfect lighting or worry if it'll fit in my bag. Every corner of that hotel deserved to have its photograph taken, and I often wished I brought my camera along. After all, an iPhone can only do so much. But, it was during these moments that I learned to be more present.

To be present is a new discovery for me. It means leaving behind all that I care about; chasing after all, that appears and feels the most perfect I can make it. Resting in any capacity takes great contentment, which is the opposite of perfectionism. Reading by the pool felt more calming than ever before. Why? Because I realized how much my body use to had to function in order to be a high-capacity type of person. I never let my mind rest or my shoulders drop. Instead, I filled my body with tension and thoughts that turned into anxiety. Being present is more about caring about the simple things; bare face of makeup, tea in a childhood mug, or taking the time to journal.

Perfectionism has us believe that "if I look perfect if I work perfectly if I act perfect and do everything perfectly" it will exempt us from the feelings we hide from; judgment or shame. After all, isn't that why I feel a need to display such perfectionism? If my life looks put together than I can escape all disappoint or opinions from others, and instead only feed off of their praise. I cannot be naive and believe that this type of mindset could ever be cured, but there are ways I am going to stop falling into the trap.

Trying to keep up this image only creates exhaustion, fear, and keeping people at arm's length. Being perfect is just not real. I've found that my intention was to be able to "fit in" but in the end, it only makes me less relatable to the world around me. No one is able to have a connection that is built on trust and compassion if perfectionism is the foundation. We must allow for some cracks to bleed through if we ever wish to make an impact on someone's life, or simply our own. I challenge you (and myself) to stop being so busy trying to be perfect, but more present.

Summer Day Trip To Balboa Park In San Diego

8.05.2019


his post is long overdue, as these photos are a few weeks old now. But, this was such a special day for my best friend and I. Being a Cali girl my whole life I had to venture into Balboa Park, and it did not disappoint. From the buildings, gardens, and art in every nook and cranny, this space is a true treasure in San Diego. We were able to have free entrance access to a few museums, which is something I would love to do more of in the future. Emily treated me to a beautiful lunch at Prado Restaurant and thankfully their lemonade spritzer cooled us down from that 95-degree heat.

On a completely separate note, I have to admit that I feel out of practice writing on the blog. I suppose that is because ever since college I all focused on was typing out my feelings. Regardless, this space is to hold special memories and thoughts. I believe these photos capture that perfectly. I have SO much to update, but for now, these photographs will have to do the talking for me. 

How To Be Okay With Where You Are Right Now

7.22.2019


et's be honest for a second, okay? Being content or staying present (whatever you want to call it) has never been my strong point. I enjoy the process of daydreaming and then immediately tackling them to produce productivity. Thinking about the future is what is constantly on my mind. I always push myself to achieve new goals. But, sometimes fear or a particular funk can slow me down, which brings me to writing this post.

Wherever you may find yourself, whether it is transitioning into a new career, a break-up, moving cities, or dealing with post-grad life (like me) all of these spaces create some weird feelings that typically get pushed aside or consume our every thought and action. Personally, my two-month-long summer needs to fade and be replaced with the somber realities that grace periods on my student loans are soon to lift, tests have to be passed, observation hours in a classroom is a must, and the process of applying for a credential program will be due in the fall.

This season comes with a lot of emotions on my end to make things happen, but in the same breath, it doesn't seem like a big change. It is the in-between-phase that seems to be the hardest, doesn't it? So, how can I be okay with where I am, when I desperately desire a change, or to enter into a different season? Here are a few things I'm doing to practice contentment with a subtle reminder to get moving!


 1. realize it is temporary // Everything we go through has a season. Some we wish would pass faster than others, but time is really the only factor in some spaces we grow through. In my transition of change, I constantly have to remind myself it is temporary. It won't always be like this, as long as I work towards my goals. A phrase that I have held onto this summer is "just keep swimming." 2. feel grateful // This may be the most difficult to practice. Honestly, it can be so simple to achieve, we just have to want to feel this way. In a season of change or a lack of it may produce low moods. It is easier to sulk and feel sad than to keep a positive attitude (at least for me). Keep a journal, surround yourself with positive people, or spend a few minutes in a place that warms your soul every day. I love it when I can bring myself out of a funk when I realize that my situation is far less important than someone else's battles. 3. stay present // As you can tell from this post, being present is a challenge for me. I have always believed that I must keep going and doing in order to perform, to look busy or successful. But, during this time it is okay to say that life is slow. I do not have to have a life announcement every week. I can enjoy each day, no matter how boring they may be. Besides, I will wish one day that I would have relaxed in my determination once I am in the thick of school.

Solo Trip To Carlsbad

6.14.2019


few weeks ago, I spent the day down in Carlsbad for some much-needed vitamin D. It was right before our heat wave came, so it was a beautiful 75 degrees out. My version of the beach includes a light sweater to pair with my jeans, sunglasses to block out the glimpse of sunshine shining through the fog, and ice cold ocean water to wash off my sandy feet. Well, it was a little warmer than my ideal, but it was lovely just the same. I don't know about you...but I honestly hate going places alone. I have never really opened up about it before, but part of my anxiety revolves around this concept. Running certain errands are easy, but I am not the type to go shopping without a friend. You'll never find me at a restaurant or movie theatre by myself. This day was different though.

Something inside of me was longing for isolation. A time to just sit with my thoughts and write them down. Trying to escape certain emotions for too long is just not healthy and it was catching up with me. Ironically, I traveled to the ocean for some inspiration and clarity.

The whole day went along so smoothly. I am still on my no-sugar challenge, so for lunch, I treated myself to an acai bowl at my favorite place, Nekter. It became my obsession in college, and I suddenly was reminded why. Rich whole foods help my body (and mind) so much! Afterward, I hooked up my GPS to the nearest Pressed Juicery Freeze, which ended up being apart of the coolest outlet mall. So, I had to stop in Anthropologie, my favorite store ever. I always thought that the closest one was in La Jolla, so I was excited to discover one in Carlsbad. Anyways, Pressed is known for their cleansing juices, but I love them for their vegan ice cream. It was incredible. Plus, because it is all natural sugar, I was able to enjoy it on my no-sugar challenge. Just another reason to thank Orange County during my college days!


1. // You are much braver than you realize.

2. // Never allow your productivity to measure your sense of worth.

3. // Being messy is a form of beauty.

4. // Despite the past, the ocean is a place that makes you feel free.

5. // Always write, even when it's hard.



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